5.    Maintenance:

Most people enter the Action stage filled with enthusiasm and excitement.  There is a sense of euphoria as they begin to see positive change and experience the benefits that this brings.

It is much more of a challenge to maintain that change.  As you move further from the negative experiences created by the old behavior, it becomes easier to minimize their costs.  Temptations arise which can be difficult to resist.

Maintenance is the long haul during which old habits are being replaced by new ones.  Lapses are common during the Maintenance phase.  It may be necessary to return to Planning or even to Contemplation to remedy these lapses.

Some people who lapse in the Maintenance stage get so discouraged that they return to Precontemplation.  Don’t let this happen to you!

When you understand that change rarely proceeds in a straight line, you can recognize a lapse as a normal part of the change process and get quickly back on track.

6.    Termination (Transformation):

Once the new habits have replaced the old, maladaptive behaviors you can consider yourself in what Prochaska labels the Termination phase.  I prefer the term Transformation.

In Transformation, the desired change has been accomplished.  With the new behaviors established, you are no longer the same person.  You couldn’t imagine going back to the old behavior patterns. You have achieved your goal.

Understanding the process of change will help you achieve your goals and make your good life better!  If you would like to learn more about the six stages of change, I heartily recommend Prochaska’s book, Changing for Good.

Jeannette Samanen, Ph.D.
Jeannette’s professional development began with graduate school at the University of Oregon.  Her first post-doctoral position was at the Boston University School of Medicine where, as an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry (Psychology), where she specialized in stress management and behavioral medicine.  Jeannette has had over 30 years of experience as a life coach and psychologist and derives great pleasure from helping clients transform their lives for the better.

While this may seem like an obvious statement, failure to acknowledge the validity of the other person’s perspective is one of the top ways that disagreements escalate into conflict.

When a friend, a co-worker or a family member disagrees with you, it is easy to slip into a win/lose mentality.  Either you’re right and you win or they’re right and you lose.  No one wants to be a loser, so it’s easy to get locked into the rightness of your position.  Things can quickly escalate into angry conflict when both people get stuck in this behavior.

The truth is that in most situations, both positions have validity.  The trick is to be willing to recognize and acknowledge that the other person’s point of view is plausible, even though it differs from your own.

To do this it is crucial to remember that every person has their own point of view.  The other person simply sees things or does them differently from you.  They have been doing things a certain way all of their lives, just as you have.  Their way has worked perfectly well for them, just as yours has worked for you.

Just because one person’s viewpoint or way of doing something works doesn’t mean that the other person’s does not.  You can both be right.  When you keep this in mind, it is easier to take disagreement at face value, rather than experiencing it as a put-down or an attack.

When you validate the other person’s position, it makes it much more likely that they will be willing to consider your point of view, as well.

When you are able to experience disagreement in this way, you and the other person can move beyond a win/lose position – your way or their way – to a win/win exploration of what’s the best way to deal with the situation at hand.

Instead of being adversaries, you become a team, addressing the challenge together.  Conflict is avoided.  What’s more, by drawing on the best of both positions, you are likely to come up with a solution that works for both of you, a solution that will probably be better than anything either of you would have come up with on your own.

You win, the other person wins, the relationship wins and you will be making your good life better!

Being willing and able to endorse your excellence has a number of benefits. Here are some of them:

1. Familiarity with your own strengths provides awareness of the qualities that can help you to succeed.

When you set a goal for yourself it is important to know those characteristics which have helped you to succeed in the past. If you are aware of your strengths and willing to acknowledge them, you can consciously utilize them to help you achieve your goals in the present.

Your strengths may be diligence or enthusiasm or perseverance or any other character trait that has helped you to succeed in the past. Whatever they are, these strengths will always be available to you. You can draw on these same strengths to achieve your goal in the present, no matter how daunting it may seem.

If you would like to learn more about your own strengths, I highly recommend you visit the website www.authentichappiness.com. There you will find the VIA Signature Strengths Questionnaire which measures 24 character strengths. It takes only about 20 minutes to complete this questionnaire and it is free! You will have a list of your top strengths. Awareness of these strengths will help you answer the question, “How can I ever accomplish THIS???”

2. When you acknowledge your successes you become an expert in what you can do to achieve your goals.

When you recognize what you do that works, you can build on your successes to reach your goals. Pay attention to the tiny winning choices that you make. Notice the differences they make in your life.

Are you more effective when you take a brief break a couple of times a day? Do people react differently when you treat them with greater kindness? When you become an expert on the outcome of your choices, you learn what behaviors work. You become keenly aware of what you need to do more of to succeed. When you are empowered in this way, the choices you make will create your success.

3. Honestly present your excellence to others.

There are certain situations, such as job interviews, where success depends on your being able to affirm the contributions you have made. This is not bragging when done in a matter-of-fact manner.

A simple acknowledgement of your strengths and accomplishments conveys necessary information while projecting the self confidence every employer seeks in a potential hire.

As you practice endorsing your excellence it will become easier. After all, it is natural to feel good about how great you really are!

Some people have trouble expressing appreciation because they believe that the other person is supposed to do the job anyway.  Why thank your co-worker for getting the report to you on time?  That’s part of her job, isn’t it?  Why make a big deal over your husband’s folding the laundry?  Nobody thanks you when you do household chores.

While this attitude may be perfectly justified, it is not helpful.  Expressing appreciation is a win/win/win.  You win, the other person wins and the relationship itself benefits.

The Other Person Wins

Think back to times when people have thanked you.  Remember how good it felt to have your effort acknowledged.  Your co-workers, friends and family will feel just as good when you acknowledge them.

Notice the response of the people you thank.  Their pleasure at being recognized can help enhance your own.

You Win

In order to express appreciation, you need to notice the positive things that others do for you.  In relationships it’s all too easy to focus on the things other people do that drive you crazy.  You will feel more cared for the more you notice the small, helpful, caring things that those around you do.

Letting another person know when they’ve done something that pleases you is a form of positive reinforcement.  When you let the other person know that what they did pleases you, they get the message that doing such things for you truly matters.  This makes it more likely that they will go out of their way to do such things again and you will get more of what you want, need and deserve.

The Relationship Benefits

Research has shown that relationship satisfaction correlates with the number of positive interactions.  The more pleasing exchanges there are in a relationship, the higher the overall level of relationship satisfaction.

Acknowledging the other person’s kindness or a job well done creates a positive interaction which enhances the general level of good will in the relationship.  Both people feel better about the relationship and each other.  The positive momentum created in this way makes it more likely that positive interactions will increase in the future.

You will be noticing the good things others do as they happen and spontaneously expressing your thanks.  Your relationships will improve and you’ll be making your good life better.

Jeannette Samanen, Ph.D.
Jeannette’s professional development began with graduate school at the University of Oregon.  Her first post-doctoral position was at the Boston University School of Medicine where, as an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry (Psychology), where she specialized in stress management and behavioral medicine.  Jeannette has had over 30 years of experience as a life coach and psychologist and derives great pleasure from helping clients transform their lives for the better.

It is not that your problems are not important and I am certainly not suggesting that you ignore them. However, there are many, many other aspects of your life that you can focus on.

Paying attention to your daily blessings may not change your problems, but it can transform your attitude towards life, making you better able to deal with the issues you face.

Research has shown that people who spend time appreciating their pleasurable experiences enjoy higher levels of happiness. You can replicate these experiments in your own life.

Put a pad beside your bed and right before you go to sleep write down five things that you appreciated during the day. These can be very simple things like the enjoying the successful accomplishment of a task or receiving an unexpected kindness from a co-worker. They can be sensual pleasures, such as a beautiful sunset, or the intense chocolate flavor of the ice cream you ate at lunch. Life truly is made of little things.

Practice doing this for two weeks. On the first night, record your level of happiness on a scale from 1 to 10. Then repeat this rating fourteen days later. If you are like most people, you will notice that your overall level of happiness has improved. This may lead you to continue the practice of noting the things you appreciate!

It’s a powerful way to make your good life better.