The story is told that when the very first tall ships of the European explorers arrived in the New World, the people on the beach were unable to perceive them. These things were so far out of their experience and so entirely unexpected that they simply were not noticed.
We all tend to be like those native peoples when confronted with something out of the ordinary. We generally notice those things that fit into our concept of the world and ignore events that fly in the face of reality as we know it.
In some ways this serves us. We need to trust that the world is a predictable place. However failing to notice exceptions to the rule can get you in trouble.
Like most of us, you probably have clear ideas of how you behave. For the most part, these generalities may hold true. But they can limit your ability to change.
The assumptions you have about your patterns of behavior can keep you stuck if you fail to notice exceptions to the rule.
Notice Past Exceptions to the Expected
When contemplating behavior change, your expectation for success will be vastly improved if you can point to times in the past when you actually practiced the desired behavior.
For example, it is not unusual for clients to declare something like, “I never finish anything!” When we look carefully at their past, however, we identify many instances when they actually finished important projects.
Identifying instances that disprove your negative expectations instills hope, an essential ingredient in successful behavior change. When you acknowledge past success, you recognize that you have what it takes to achieve success in the present. This establishes indisputably that the desired change is possible which leads, in turn, to the expectation that you can – and will – succeed.
Expand your notion of what is true for you
People make sweeping generalizations about themselves which, while often true, provide a limited picture of who they are or what they can accomplish. I commonly hear from clients such statements as “I can’t focus” or “I’m lazy.” These descriptors are used to justify the notion that change is not possible. The truth is that we are all capable of virtually any human behavior.
The phrase I love best as an antidote to such sweeping generalizations is “…except when I do” or “…except when I’m not.”
So, “I can’t focus, except when I do” or “I’m lazy, except when I’m not.”
The next time you catch yourself making this kind of definitive statement about yourself, pay attention to how it feels. Then correct yourself, using one of the phrases above. Notice how different you feel when you expand your notion of what is true for you!
Notice Small Successes in the Present
I am often surprised at the difficulty my clients have at recognizing their successes, when these behaviors differ from the expectations they have of themselves. Yet noticing success is essential to achieving new and desired behavior.
Pay attention to what works. Notice carefully the outcome when you act in new ways. You will have essential information to guide you in the countless choices you make throughout the day. When you notice those things you do that help you achieve your goals you become an expert in the solutions, not in the problems!
Allowing yourself to be pleasantly surprised will not only make your day more pleasant, it will help you establish the changes that will make your good life better!
Jeannette Samanen, Ph.D.
Jeannette’s professional development began with graduate school at the University of Oregon. Her first post-doctoral position was at the Boston University School of Medicine where, as an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry (Psychology), where she specialized in stress management and behavioral medicine. Jeannette has had over 30 years of experience as a life coach and psychologist and derives great pleasure from helping clients transform their lives for the better.
Tags: Inner Wisdom Coaching