‘But’ is a small word, but it is very powerful.
The power of ‘but’ is amply demonstrated in the sentence you just read. The message you come away with is, “‘But’ is powerful”. ‘But’s’ small size is negated by the fact of its power.
The word ‘but’ dismisses whatever comes before it. ‘But’ lets you know that what you need to pay attention to, what is true and what really counts is what follows.
‘But’s’ a Fightin’ Word:
Though it may be subtle, in conversation ‘but’ becomes a form of disagreement. Since ‘but’ signals that whatever came before it doesn’t really matter, when you begin your sentences with ‘but’, you are implying that whatever the other person just said is less important or less true than what you are about to say.
This is important in relationships because the more you ‘but’ the people in your life, the less they will feel respected. Like any implication of right vs. wrong, ‘but’ creates an adversarial mood. It creates the impression that people are more interested in making their point than they are in listening and understanding the other’s perspective.
People resent being dismissed. They become less inclined to consider your point of view when they feel that you are disregarding their position.
You Probably Don’t Notice Your ‘Buts’:
When your discussions become adversarial and you can’t figure out how that happened, chances are there’s ‘butting’ going on. ‘Butting’ is such a habit, most people aren’t even aware that they’re doing it.
Tune in to the times when people begin their sentences with ‘but,’ or ‘but’s’ twin sister, ‘yes, but’. Pay attention. Chances are you’ll feel somewhat disregarded or rebuffed, even offended.
Then recognize when you ‘Yes, but’ and notice how others respond. The tone of the interaction will probably become a little more strained. Voices may rise in tone or volume. Antagonism may grow with each exchange.
Replace Your ‘Buts’ With Acknowledgment:
As you sensitize yourself to this behavior, you will be more aware when it’s happening. Then you can replace your ‘but’s’ with some form of acknowledgement before making your point. You don’t have to agree with what the other person is saying, but if you validate their position before responding, they will feel more affirmed and will be more likely to consider your point of view. Things will stay calmer.
Validation means letting the other person know you understand their perspective. You may endorse some part of what they are saying, or you can let them know you recognize how they see things, even if you disagree.
The more others feel listened to and respected by you, the more inclined they will be to offer you respect in return. The more conscious you are of your ‘buts’, the more you replace them with validation of the other person’s position, even if you disagree, the more your discussions will remain constructive and cooperative. This will improve your relationships, which will make your good life better.
Jeannette Samanen, Ph.D.
Jeannette’s professional development began with graduate school at the University of Oregon. Her first post-doctoral position was at the Boston University School of Medicine where, as an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry (Psychology), where she specialized in stress management and behavioral medicine. Jeannette has had over 30 years of experience as a life coach and psychologist and derives great pleasure from helping clients transform their lives for the better.