Vicious circles underlie most relationship problems.
• Kimberly wanted Bob to help out more around the house, but his efforts rarely lived up to her standards. Being told that the clothes weren’t folded right or the bathtub wasn’t clean enough discouraged Bob from attempting household chores. It bothered Bob that sex had become less frequent than it used to be. Kimberly’s growing resentment about needing to do more than her share of the housework reduced her interest in sex, making Bob even less inclined to help around the house.
• Tim traveled a lot for work and got lonely on the road. When he called home he wanted Marie to be as excited to hear from him as he felt to reconnect with her. After a long day at work and caring for their two kids, Marie often felt too tired to engage in long and passionate conversations. Her lack of enthusiasm hurt and angered Tim and he came home grumpy. His negativity made it harder for Marie to react positively when he came through the door, further intensifying Tim’s fears that his wife didn’t love him. Marie truly loved Tim but she felt hopeless about getting him to believe her. It seemed that whatever she said or did would never be enough to satisfy him. Her discouragement made her want to withdraw even more which made him feel more threatened, needy and demanding.
In a vicious circle each person’s behavior makes it less likely that they are going to get what they want, need and deserve from the other. Both people participate in a downward spiral which, if left unchecked, can wreck a relationship.
How a Vicious Circle Works:
I get annoyed when you disappoint me and when I’m annoyed I don’t treat you kindly. You’re put off by my negativity and become less inclined to be considerate toward me. This is how vicious circles get started.
I try to make you change and behave the way I think you should, but you’re perfectly happy with your way of doing things. The more I nag or yell, the more entrenched you become in your ways. This is how vicious circles intensify.
When you do the same thing you get the same result. Yelling louder or withdrawing further just creates greater alienation, intensifying the vicious circle. The truth is that there is nothing anyone can do to make another person change, unless that person wants to change.
Here is the good news. You can change your own behavior and by doing so you can turn the vicious circle into a virtuous circle.
How a Virtuous Circle Works:
The only person you have control over is yourself. When you give the other person more of what they are asking for – even if it seems impossibly unfair to have to do so – you maximize the likelihood that they will want to change too.
Change begins slowly, with little things. Go out of your way to provide small kindnesses, even if it feels forced or unnatural at first. Make sure to notice and express appreciation for any positive changes in the other person’s behavior.
These positive interactions create good will in the relationship, initiating the virtuous circle. As good will grows and loving interactions increase, it becomes easier and easier to do those caring things, further strengthening the positive momentum.
• It bothered Kimberly to express appreciation when Bob helped out around the house. After all, nobody thanked her when she did the dishes or made the bed. However she recognized that her criticism of Bob’s efforts made it less likely that she would get the support she needed. Once Kimberly lightened up and thanked Bob for his help, he began to contribute more to the housework. He also started doing the thoughtful little things he’d done at the outset of their relationship, like calling her during the day, just to say ‘Hello’, or bringing home flowers. As Kimberly felt more loved, she became less critical. It was just a matter of time before the couple started expressing their growing affection in bed.
• Tim began taking Marie’s behavior less personally, recognizing that her low energy on their calls came from exhaustion rather than a lack of caring. Because he no longer reacted angrily, she responded more affectionately when he returned home, reassuring him that he was loved. As Tim became less demanding, Marie felt encouraged to say and do the little things that please him, confident that her efforts would be appreciated.
Think of the vicious circles in your own relationships. Now think about what you can do differently to turn those vicious circles into virtuous circles.
Think small. It’s the little things that count.
Be persistent. The other person may initially wonder what’s going on. They may doubt your motivation or feel unwilling to trust that your efforts will sustain over time. If you consistently maintain the positive behaviors, eventually the other person will respond. Your relationship will benefit and you’ll be making your good life better.
Jeannette Samanen, Ph.D.
Jeannette’s professional development began with graduate school at the University of Oregon. Her first post-doctoral position was at the Boston University School of Medicine where, as an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry (Psychology), where she specialized in stress management and behavioral medicine. Jeannette has had over 30 years of experience as a life coach and psychologist and derives great pleasure from helping clients transform their lives for the better.
Tags: improve your relationships, relationship, relationship problems