I sometimes begin my coaching sessions with the question, “What is different and better since the last time we met?”
At the outset of our work together, most of my clients declare that there isn’t anything different and better in their lives since our last meeting. Even under pressure from me – “Come on, there must be something!” – they insist that nothing has changed for the better. Then, 17 or 26 minutes or even 49 minutes into the session they mention some small thing they did differently – remaining calm in a difficult situation, or handling a challenge more effectively, or treating themselves or others more kindly . They simply hadn’t noticed it.
We all tend to focus on what isn’t working in our lives. We tend to take what’s going well for granted. After all, it doesn’t need our attention if it’s working fine, so we don’t give it much thought.
It is truly empowering to expand your focus beyond the problems to the small things you do that tend to make things better in your life.
When You Focus on the Solution, You Become Expert in What Works:
When you focus on the problems, you become an expert on your ineffectiveness and unhappiness. Focus on what isn’t working creates discouragement and undermines your confidence and self-esteem. Paying attention to what isn’t working leaves you clueless about what you could be doing differently to transform your situation for the better. When you switch your focus to your small successes, you become an expert on the choices you make that can improve your life. You are looking here for tiny changes and then noticing the effect these positive choices create.
Think Small:
I suspect that one reason my clients initially have difficulty responding to my ‘different and better’ question is that they are looking for massive change, which rarely occurs. When big changes do happen they’re hard to maintain. Sudden major transformation just doesn’t sustain. It’s too great a departure from the norm, which can feel strange or even scary.
True lasting change occurs in tiny increments practiced over time until they become new habits. Slightly larger successes build on previous wins. Gradually, winning habits of thought and behavior get established and become the new norm.
Life is made of little things. You make thousands of choices throughout the day – choices about how you act or react, choices about how you think or view the circumstances of your life. Most of us are not aware of the choices we make. We just act.
Tune in next time to find out
How To Become an Expert on the Solutions
Jeannette Samanen, Ph.D.
Jeannette’s professional development began with graduate school at the University of Oregon. Her first post-doctoral position was at the Boston University School of Medicine where, as an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry (Psychology), where she specialized in stress management and behavioral medicine. Jeannette has had over 30 years of experience as a life coach and psychologist and derives great pleasure from helping clients transform their lives for the better.