Archive for March, 2010

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The Six Stages of Change

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

Most of us think of change as a simple linear process.  We set a goal and we move toward it until we succeed.

Research has shown, however, that change is actually a more complex and circular process.  In his study of people who successfully quit smoking, James Prochaska identified six stages which characterize any behavioral change. Understanding these six stages of change can help you achieve your goals.

In addition, Prochaska found that few of his subjects actually marched through these steps one after the other.  Instead most of them circled through a number of times before they became and remained non-smokers.

This is important for you to know if you are attempting a behavioral change or if someone you know is.  It’s easy to view a lapse as failure, to become discouraged or even give up.

Instead, you can recognize lapses as a normal part of the change process.  By being aware of the six stages, you will be better prepared to deal with any setbacks and get quickly back on track.

The Six Stages of Change:

Prochaska not only characterized the stages of change.  He also identified the accomplishments necessary in each to move to the next stage.  I offer you both.
1.    Precontemplation:

Precontemplation describes the period before you are aware that a change is necessary.  Another word for Precontemplation is denial.

In Precontemplation, you are living with a problem but refusing to acknowledge that change needs to happen.  Others around you may clearly recognize that you need to change, but you insist that the situation is not so serious that you can’t handle it.

If you are in Precontemplation, before you can to move to the next stage you need to be willing to consider the possibility that change may be necessary.  You need to recognize that the costs of maintaining the problem behavior may be greater than the costs of changing it.

2.    Contemplation:

Once you’ve moved out of Precontemplation, you are willing to understand the truth about the problem behavior or situation and consider the alternatives.  Contemplation is the learning stage in which you gather information.

In the stage of Contemplation you examine the pros and cons of the various options available to you.  You honestly assess all of the costs and benefits of allowing the situation to continue.  You also look at the pluses and minuses of doing things differently. You become fully informed.

Some people go back and forth between Precontemplation and Contemplation for a while before they are ready to move ahead.  You are ready to move to the next stage when, on the basis of your analysis, you embrace the need to change.

3.    Planning:

Once you have committed to bringing about a change in your life, the next step is to figure out how to do it.  You plan your behavior change.

You identify your goal.  You research the various ways you might achieve your goal.  You enlist help.  Often people show up for coaching when they reach the Planning stage, knowing that a coach can help them clarify their goal as well as the steps they need to accomplish it.

Once you have formulated a workable plan, you are ready to move into Action.

4.    Action:

You implement your plan in the Action phase.  This phase can be seen as an experiment in which you learn which parts of your plan work and where the unforeseen obstacles lie.

Circling between Action and Planning is an inevitable part of the change process.  No plan is perfect.  It is essential to view any problems which arise as an opportunity to improve your plan.

Once your action plan is proceeding smoothly, you are ready to move into the most challenging stage of all.

5.    Maintenance:

Most people enter the Action stage filled with enthusiasm and excitement.  There is a sense of euphoria as they begin to see positive change and experience the benefits that this brings.

It is much more of a challenge to maintain that change.  As you move further from the negative experiences created by the old behavior, it becomes easier to minimize their costs.  Temptations arise which can be difficult to resist.

Maintenance is the long haul during which old habits are being replaced by new ones.  Lapses are common during the Maintenance phase.  It may be necessary to return to Planning or even to Contemplation to remedy these lapses.

Some people who lapse in the Maintenance stage get so discouraged that they return to Precontemplation.  Don’t let this happen to you!

When you understand that change rarely proceeds in a straight line, you can recognize a lapse as a normal part of the change process and get quickly back on track.

6.    Termination (Transformation):

Once the new habits have replaced the old, maladaptive behaviors you can consider yourself in what Prochaska labels the Termination phase.  I prefer the term Transformation.

In Transformation, the desired change has been accomplished.  With the new behaviors established, you are no longer the same person.  You couldn’t imagine going back to the old behavior patterns. You have achieved your goal.

Understanding the process of change will help you achieve your goals and make your good life better!  If you would like to learn more about the six stages of change, I heartily recommend Prochaska’s book, Changing for Good.

Jeannette Samanen, Ph.D.
Jeannette’s professional development began with graduate school at the University of Oregon.  Her first post-doctoral position was at the Boston University School of Medicine where, as an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry (Psychology), where she specialized in stress management and behavioral medicine.  Jeannette has had over 30 years of experience as a life coach and psychologist and derives great pleasure from helping clients transform their lives for the better.

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Replace Your Negative Self-talk with Positive Beliefs

Monday, March 8th, 2010

If you believe you can and if you believe you can’t, you’re right.
-Henry Ford

How you think influences the way you act and feel in major ways.  Negative beliefs about yourself hold you back more certainly than external forces can.  You actually have enormous control over what you think.  It’s a matter of turning old habits of negative thinking into new practices of positive beliefs.  Doing this will improve your confidence and empower you to achieve your goals.

Negative beliefs fall into two categories:  self-criticism and worry.

The Problem with Self-criticism:

It doesn’t matter whether self-criticism addresses the past or the present or self-doubt raises concerns about the future.   Negative thinking always undermines you.  Beating yourself up about regrets from the past distracts you from what you need to focus on in the present and brings you down.  Doubt in your abilities saps your energy and confidence and holds you back.  The expectation that you’ll fail inhibits you from attempting new things.  It’s hard to succeed if you are plagued by negative thinking.

It may seem that negative thinking serves a protective function.  Many of us were raised with the notion that criticism is necessary for success.  We believe that focusing on what we do wrong will prevent us from making the same mistakes again.  It can also feel like self-criticism protects us from attacks from others. If we catch what we do wrong first, we may be able to correct it before someone else notices.  If we criticize ourselves aloud, others will know we’re already aware that we’ve done something wrong and may refrain from blaming us.

Of course it’s important to learn from your mistakes and it may be appropriate to acknowledge them to others.  You just don’t need to beat yourself up.  It’s much more effective to calmly notice an error and then focus on what you need to do to correct the problem.

How to Change Your Negative Self-talk to Positive Beliefs:

I am often surprised at how unconscious my coaching clients are of their negative self-talk. The first step toward replacing your negative thinking with positive beliefs is to pay close attention to what is going on between your ears.  Monitor your thought content for critical self-statements like, “You idiot!” or “How could you DO that???”  Listen carefully to the words that come out of your mouth.

Notice when you are harsh on yourself and ask gently, “Is that appropriate?”  If your self-criticism habit is firmly entrenched you will probably reply with an emphatic “Yes!”  Then ask yourself how you feel when you treat yourself so meanly.  If you are honest with yourself, you will notice that you feel deflated or discouraged or some other unhappy feeling.

Now, gently correct that thought or statement.  Tell yourself, “Just because I did that, doesn’t mean I’m an idiot,” or “It would have been better if I had done that differently, but beating myself up isn’t going to help anything.”

At the beginning, you may need to watch out for beating yourself up for being mean to yourself:  “You idiot!  There you go again!  What’s WRONG with you? You’ll never learn to be kind to yourself!”  Use humor when old habits of negativity reassert themselves:  “Oops!  There you go again!” Or, you could even say something like, “Sweetheart, you do not deserve to treat yourself that way.  Life is too short for such cruelty!”

As you correct your negative thinking begin to replace it with positive beliefs.  If you do something you are unhappy with, ask yourself, “What can I do to fix this?” or “What is the learning here?”  Encourage yourself by affirming that you’ll do better next time.  Over time you will change the habit of negativity to the habit of positive, encouraging thinking.  As you do this, you will empower yourself to act free of the fear of self-castigation should things not turn out exactly as you would like them to.  You will also feel much more confident and self-accepting.  All of which, of course, will help you to achieve your goals and make your good life better.

Jeannette Samanen, Ph.D.
Jeannette’s professional development began with graduate school at the University of Oregon.  Her first post-doctoral position was at the Boston University School of Medicine where, as an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry (Psychology), where she specialized in stress management and behavioral medicine.  Jeannette has had over 30 years of experience as a life coach and psychologist and derives great pleasure from helping clients transform their lives for the better.

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Improve Your Relationships: Transform Your Vicious Circles into Virtuous Circles

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

Vicious circles underlie most relationship problems.

•    Kimberly wanted Bob to help out more around the house, but his efforts rarely lived up to her standards.  Being told that the clothes weren’t folded right or the bathtub wasn’t clean enough discouraged Bob from attempting household chores. It bothered Bob that sex had become less frequent than it used to be. Kimberly’s growing resentment about needing to do more than her share of the housework reduced her interest in sex, making Bob even less inclined to help around the house.

•    Tim traveled a lot for work and got lonely on the road.  When he called home he wanted Marie to be as excited to hear from him as he felt to reconnect with her. After a long day at work and caring for their two kids, Marie often felt too tired to engage in long and passionate conversations.  Her lack of enthusiasm hurt and angered Tim and he came home grumpy.  His negativity made it harder for Marie to react positively when he came through the door, further intensifying Tim’s fears that his wife didn’t love him.  Marie truly loved Tim but she felt hopeless about getting him to believe her. It seemed that whatever she said or did would never be enough to satisfy him.  Her discouragement made her want to withdraw even more which made him feel more threatened, needy and demanding.

In a vicious circle each person’s behavior makes it less likely that they are going to get what they want, need and deserve from the other.  Both people participate in a downward spiral which, if left unchecked, can wreck a relationship.

How a Vicious Circle Works:

I get annoyed when you disappoint me and when I’m annoyed I don’t treat you kindly.  You’re put off by my negativity and become less inclined to be considerate toward me.  This is how vicious circles get started.
I try to make you change and behave the way I think you should, but you’re perfectly happy with your way of doing things.  The more I nag or yell, the more entrenched you become in your ways.  This is how vicious circles intensify.
When you do the same thing you get the same result.  Yelling louder or withdrawing further just creates greater alienation, intensifying the vicious circle.  The truth is that there is nothing anyone can do to make another person change, unless that person wants to change.
Here is the good news.  You can change your own behavior and by doing so you can turn the vicious circle into a virtuous circle.
How a Virtuous Circle Works:

The only person you have control over is yourself.  When you give the other person more of what they are asking for – even if it seems impossibly unfair to have to do so – you maximize the likelihood that they will want to change too.

Change begins slowly, with little things.  Go out of your way to provide small kindnesses, even if it feels forced or unnatural at first.  Make sure to notice and express appreciation for any positive changes in the other person’s behavior.

These positive interactions create good will in the relationship, initiating the virtuous circle.  As good will grows and loving interactions increase, it becomes easier and easier to do those caring things, further strengthening the positive momentum.

•    It bothered Kimberly to express appreciation when Bob helped out around the house.  After all, nobody thanked her when she did the dishes or made the bed.  However she recognized that her criticism of Bob’s efforts made it less likely that she would get the support she needed.  Once Kimberly lightened up and thanked Bob for his help, he began to contribute more to the housework.  He also started doing the thoughtful little things he’d done at the outset of their relationship, like calling her during the day, just to say ‘Hello’, or bringing home flowers.  As Kimberly felt more loved, she became less critical.  It was just a matter of time before the couple started expressing their growing affection in bed.

•    Tim began taking Marie’s behavior less personally, recognizing that her low energy on their calls came from exhaustion rather than a lack of caring. Because he no longer reacted angrily, she responded more affectionately when he returned home, reassuring him that he was loved.  As Tim became less demanding, Marie felt encouraged to say and do the little things that please him, confident that her efforts would be appreciated.

Think of the vicious circles in your own relationships.  Now think about what you can do differently to turn those vicious circles into virtuous circles. 

Think small.  It’s the little things that count.

Be persistent.  The other person may initially wonder what’s going on. They may doubt your motivation or feel unwilling to trust that your efforts will sustain over time.  If you consistently maintain the positive behaviors, eventually the other person will respond.  Your relationship will benefit and you’ll be making your good life better.

Jeannette Samanen, Ph.D.
Jeannette’s professional development began with graduate school at the University of Oregon.  Her first post-doctoral position was at the Boston University School of Medicine where, as an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry (Psychology), where she specialized in stress management and behavioral medicine.  Jeannette has had over 30 years of experience as a life coach and psychologist and derives great pleasure from helping clients transform their lives for the better.

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