Virtually everyone who comes to me for relationship coaching puts improved communication at the top of their list of goals. Most think of communication training in terms of learning to express themselves more clearly. The hope is that by learning to articulate their meaning precisely and eloquently, they will be understood.
Yet listening is actually the most important skill to develop for improved communication and paraphrasing is the best tool to insure accurate listening.
The Dangers of Misunderstanding:
I believe that at least 85% of the conflict in relationships comes from misunderstanding. When you listen carefully, you avoid misunderstandings by actually hearing what the other person has said. Sounds simple but, as you may well know, accurate listening can be challenging indeed.
Under the best of circumstances, we all have assumptions about what we have heard which may or may not be correct. Beyond this, when there’s a disagreement both people are usually focused on their own position and what they want to say next to win the argument rather than on what the other person is saying. It is impossible to simultaneously think about your response and listen to the other person.
This leads not only to misunderstanding, but to resentment, as well. It becomes apparent to both parties that the other person isn’t making an effort to understand. It is not uncommon for people to jump quickly to feelings of hurt. Sensing that the other person doesn’t care enough to bother to listen adds fuel to the argumentative fire.
Paraphrasing – The Simple, Effective Key to Improved Communication
Careful listening and checking with the other person to make sure you have understood what they have said can keep this destructive pattern from happening in the first place or stop it if it has already begun.
Paraphrasing is the best tool for this. Paraphrasing is simply repeating back in your own words what you heard the other person say. Paraphrasing offers a number of benefits:
1. Paraphrasing insures that you have heard correctly. If your paraphrase is incorrect the other person can clarify, thereby eliminating misunderstanding.
2. Paraphrasing slows down communication, minimizing the likelihood that arguments will escalate.
3. Paraphrasing demonstrates to the other person that you are willing to listen carefully, creating good will and maximizing the probability that they will listen to you, as well.
With improved communication comes improved relationships, both personally and professionally, a most significant part of making your good life better!
Jeannette Samanen, Ph.D.
Jeannette’s professional development began with graduate school at the University of Oregon. Her first post-doctoral position was at the Boston University School of Medicine where, as an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry (Psychology), where she specialized in stress management and behavioral medicine. Jeannette has had over 30 years of experience as a life coach and psychologist and derives great pleasure from helping clients transform their lives for the better.
