Archive for February, 2010

Improve Your Relationships: Listen and Paraphrase

Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010

Virtually everyone who comes to me for relationship coaching puts improved communication at the top of their list of goals. Most think of communication training in terms of learning to express themselves more clearly.  The hope is that by learning to articulate their meaning precisely and eloquently, they will be understood.

Yet listening is actually the most important skill to develop for improved communication and paraphrasing is the best tool to insure accurate listening.

The Dangers of Misunderstanding:

I believe that at least 85% of the conflict in relationships comes from misunderstanding.  When you listen carefully, you avoid misunderstandings by actually hearing what the other person has said.  Sounds simple but, as you may well know, accurate listening can be challenging indeed.

Under the best of circumstances, we all have assumptions about what we have heard which may or may not be correct.  Beyond this, when there’s a disagreement both people are usually focused on their own position and what they want to say next to win the argument rather than on what the other person is saying. It is impossible to simultaneously think about your response and listen to the other person.

This leads not only to misunderstanding, but to resentment, as well. It becomes apparent to both parties that the other person isn’t making an effort to understand.  It is not uncommon for people to jump quickly to feelings of hurt. Sensing that the other person doesn’t care enough to bother to listen adds fuel to the argumentative fire.

Paraphrasing – The Simple, Effective Key to Improved Communication

Careful listening and checking with the other person to make sure you have understood what they have said can keep this destructive pattern from happening in the first place or stop it if it has already begun.

Paraphrasing is the best tool for this. Paraphrasing is simply repeating back in your own words what you heard the other person say.  Paraphrasing offers a number of benefits:

1.    Paraphrasing insures that you have heard correctly.  If your paraphrase is incorrect the other person can clarify, thereby eliminating misunderstanding.

2.    Paraphrasing slows down communication, minimizing the likelihood that arguments will escalate.

3.    Paraphrasing demonstrates to the other person that you are willing to listen carefully, creating good will and maximizing the probability that they will listen to you, as well.

With improved communication comes improved relationships, both personally and professionally, a most significant part of making your good life better!

Jeannette Samanen, Ph.D.
Jeannette’s professional development began with graduate school at the University of Oregon.  Her first post-doctoral position was at the Boston University School of Medicine where, as an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry (Psychology), where she specialized in stress management and behavioral medicine.  Jeannette has had over 30 years of experience as a life coach and psychologist and derives great pleasure from helping clients transform their lives for the better.

Appreciation – Experience It!

Tuesday, February 16th, 2010

Your experience of reality is largely determined by where you place your focus. If you spend most of your time paying attention to the problems in your life, you are more likely to feel anxious and troubled. Conversely, if you choose to focus on what is working in your life, or on the positive things in your surroundings, you will feel calmer and more optimistic.

It is not that your problems are not important and I am certainly not suggesting that you ignore them. However, there are many, many other aspects of your life that you can focus on.

Paying attention to your daily blessings may not change your problems, but it can transform your attitude towards life, making you better able to deal with the issues you face.

Research has shown that people who spend time appreciating their pleasurable experiences enjoy higher levels of happiness. You can replicate these experiments in your own life.

Put a pad beside your bed and right before you go to sleep write down five things that you appreciated during the day. These can be very simple things like the enjoying the successful accomplishment of a task or receiving an unexpected kindness from a co-worker. They can be sensual pleasures, such as a beautiful sunset, or the intense chocolate flavor of the ice cream you ate at lunch. Life truly is made of little things.

Practice doing this for two weeks. On the first night, record your level of happiness on a scale from 1 to 10. Then repeat this rating fourteen days later. If you are like most people, you will notice that your overall level of happiness has improved. This may lead you to continue the practice of noting the things you appreciate!

It’s a powerful way to make your good life better.

3 Ways to Turn Your Procrastination into Action

Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010

“There’s nothing worth doing today that can’t be put off until tomorrow.”

All of us live by this maxim sometimes. There is always something easier or more enjoyable to do than the tasks we find daunting or distasteful.  Many people are convinced that they work best when faced with an imminent deadline.  Too much procrastination, though, can have serious costs.
Think of the times you’ve procrastinated.  Consider the time and energy you put into unnecessary activities, like emptying the dishwasher or doing the crossword puzzle.  Remember the growing stress and apprehension as the deadline for completion approached.  Think of the ways procrastination has negatively impacted your relationships with co-workers, your boss, or your spouse.

You can use the energy that you put into procrastinating to help you achieve your goals.  You can direct that same energy into productive work if you commit yourself to doing so.

It’s easier to redirect your energy if you have something specific to focus on.  Here are three ways you can harness the energy you use procrastinating so you can more readily achieve your goals.

1.    Plan:

Often procrastination results from feeling overwhelmed.  There are too many things to do and too little time to do them.  The options spin around in your head so fast that any one item can feel like two or twelve.

Pause, step back, take stock, make a list and identify what needs to be done and when.  Prioritize.

Gaining perspective in this way is incredibly empowering.  It slows things down and provides direction.  It clarifies just what steps you need to take, which ones you need to do first and when you can do them.

You can take your planning further by identifying others you might engage to help you with one part or another of your project.

2.    Just Do It:

Sometimes what is needed is simply to act.  It may matter less what you do than that you simply do anything that moves you forward towards your goal.  Once your energy gets directed toward addressing the challenge, it will continue to flow in that direction.

Accomplishing even a small step can encourage you to take the next step and then the next.  Before you know it, a momentum develops and you will be well on your way toward achieving your goal.

Think of the times you procrastinated.  Sooner or later you actually got going and accomplished the task.  It may as well be sooner than later.

3.    Visualize Success:

You can create a positive expectation by visualizing success in the challenge you are facing.  Consciously replace any disastrous outcomes you anticipate with images of success.

In a state of deep relaxation, imagine a positive outcome.  Imagine the project you are working on complete.  Pay careful attention to everything you do that contributes to your achievement.  Notice how it feels when you have successfully accomplished your task.

Inform your work with this positive anticipation and you will find it goes easier and more smoothly.


We focused on this skill in greater detail in the newsletter Visualize Your Success.  If you would like another copy, please email me at Jeannette@achieveyourgoals.com.

Once you change your procrastination into action, you’ll achieve your goals and make your good life better!

Jeannette Samanen, Ph.D.
Jeannette’s professional development began with graduate school at the University of Oregon.  Her first post-doctoral position was at the Boston University School of Medicine where, as an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry (Psychology), where she specialized in stress management and behavioral medicine.  Jeannette has had over 30 years of experience as a life coach and psychologist and derives great pleasure from helping clients transform their lives for the better.