Everyone has their own point of view.
While this may seem like an obvious statement, failure to acknowledge the validity of the other person’s perspective is one of the top ways that disagreements escalate into conflict.
When a friend, a co-worker or a family member disagrees with you, it is easy to slip into a win/lose mentality. Either you’re right and you win or they’re right and you lose. No one wants to be a loser, so it’s easy to get locked into the rightness of your position. Things can quickly escalate into angry conflict when both people get stuck in this behavior.
The truth is that in most situations, both positions have validity. The trick is to be willing to recognize and acknowledge that the other person’s point of view is plausible, even though it differs from your own.
To do this it is crucial to remember that every person has their own point of view. The other person simply sees things or does them differently from you. They have been doing things a certain way all of their lives, just as you have. Their way has worked perfectly well for them, just as yours has worked for you.
Just because one person’s viewpoint or way of doing something works doesn’t mean that the other person’s does not. You can both be right. When you keep this in mind, it is easier to take disagreement at face value, rather than experiencing it as a put-down or an attack.
When you validate the other person’s position, it makes it much more likely that they will be willing to consider your point of view, as well.
When you are able to experience disagreement in this way, you and the other person can move beyond a win/lose position – your way or their way – to a win/win exploration of what’s the best way to deal with the situation at hand.
Instead of being adversaries, you become a team, addressing the challenge together. Conflict is avoided. What’s more, by drawing on the best of both positions, you are likely to come up with a solution that works for both of you, a solution that will probably be better than anything either of you would have come up with on your own.
You win, the other person wins, the relationship wins and you will be making your good life better!
Jeannette Samanen, Ph.D.
Jeannette’s professional development began with graduate school at the University of Oregon. Her first post-doctoral position was at the Boston University School of Medicine where, as an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry (Psychology), where she specialized in stress management and behavioral medicine. Jeannette has had over 30 years of experience as a life coach and psychologist and derives great pleasure from helping clients transform their lives for the better.
When good things happen to you during the day, sharing them with someone close to you enhances your satisfaction. When bad things occur, another’s concern and support make you feel better. When you spend time in meaningful communication with your partner you strengthen the relationship and benefit yourself.