Archive for the ‘Life Stress Management’ Category

Endorse Both Your Achievements and Your Strengths

Friday, June 18th, 2010

Endorsing your excellence means both acknowledging your achievements and appreciating your strengths, those character traits that have enabled you to succeed.

Being willing and able to endorse your excellence has a number of benefits. Here are some of them:

1. Familiarity with your own strengths provides awareness of the qualities that can help you to succeed.

When you set a goal for yourself it is important to know those characteristics which have helped you to succeed in the past. If you are aware of your strengths and willing to acknowledge them, you can consciously utilize them to help you achieve your goals in the present.

Your strengths may be diligence or enthusiasm or perseverance or any other character trait that has helped you to succeed in the past. Whatever they are, these strengths will always be available to you. You can draw on these same strengths to achieve your goal in the present, no matter how daunting it may seem.

If you would like to learn more about your own strengths, I highly recommend you visit the website www.authentichappiness.com. There you will find the VIA Signature Strengths Questionnaire which measures 24 character strengths. It takes only about 20 minutes to complete this questionnaire and it is free! You will have a list of your top strengths. Awareness of these strengths will help you answer the question, “How can I ever accomplish THIS???”

2. When you acknowledge your successes you become an expert in what you can do to achieve your goals.

When you recognize what you do that works, you can build on your successes to reach your goals. Pay attention to the tiny winning choices that you make. Notice the differences they make in your life.

Are you more effective when you take a brief break a couple of times a day? Do people react differently when you treat them with greater kindness? When you become an expert on the outcome of your choices, you learn what behaviors work. You become keenly aware of what you need to do more of to succeed. When you are empowered in this way, the choices you make will create your success.

3. Honestly present your excellence to others.

There are certain situations, such as job interviews, where success depends on your being able to affirm the contributions you have made. This is not bragging when done in a matter-of-fact manner.

A simple acknowledgement of your strengths and accomplishments conveys necessary information while projecting the self confidence every employer seeks in a potential hire.

As you practice endorsing your excellence it will become easier. After all, it is natural to feel good about how great you really are!

Replace the Habit of Upset with the Habit of Calm

Thursday, June 10th, 2010

When you are upset about something, it may feel like there’s no way you could calm down.  In fact, there are simple, straightforward techniques you can use to transform upset into calm.  When you do, you’ll deal more effectively with the situation.

Here are the steps you can use to transform upset into calm.

First notice how you feel as you let upset overtake you.  Pay careful attention to the impact of your upset on your body and your mind.

Notice any tightness in your muscles or clenching in your gut.  Be aware of the unpleasant thoughts and feelings aroused by your outrage.  If your criticism is directed at yourself, notice how undermining those attacks on yourself truly are.

Then ask yourself,  “How would I be, if I weren’t reacting this way?”

If you are honest with yourself, you will note that you would be calmer and more peaceful, more comfortable and better able to deal with the situation if you were free of your upset.

From this perspective, you can see that your own upset is as much of a problem as whatever provoked your response.

Really allow yourself to imagine fully how it would feel to remain calm.  Invite the thoughts that would support a calm response, such as “This really isn’t all that important” or “Maybe s/he didn’t do that to hurt me.”

Visualize yourself responding appropriately when frustrated, disappointed or angry.  Then practice the calm you have visualized

As you begin to visualize alternatives to overreacting, you become aware of the choices available to you.  When you feel your upset beginning to arise, take a deep breath and consider your options.  Ask yourself, “Would I rather be upset or calm in this situation?”

Gradually, as you practice new patterns of thought and behavior, you will replace the habit of upset with the habit of calm.

How to Transform Upset into Calm

Thursday, June 3rd, 2010

You can choose to remain calm.

When you get upset about something you may feel like your angry response is inevitable.  In fact, you have a choice.  Choosing to remain calm will help you deal better with the situation.  Here’s how you do it.

First, notice when you start getting upset about something.

Just having a part of yourself that is observing your enraged response, rather than fully participating in it creates a detachment you can work with.

Then ask yourself, “Is what just happened worth getting upset about?”

If you are like most people accustomed to becoming upset when annoyed, your immediate response will be a resounding and heart-felt “Yes!!”

If you take a closer look and are truly honest with yourself, chances are you’ll be able to acknowledge that it’s not that big a deal.  What’s more, though you might wish the situation were different, your getting upset isn’t going to improve anything.  It will only make matters worse.

Pausing to observe your reactions and gently questioning your angry response will give you the time and perspective that will allow you to calm down and respond more effectively.

Notice The Unexpected

Monday, April 5th, 2010

The story is told that when the very first tall ships of the European explorers arrived in the New World, the people on the beach were unable to perceive them.  These things were so far out of their experience and so entirely unexpected that they simply were not noticed.

We all tend to be like those native peoples when confronted with something out of the ordinary.  We generally notice those things that fit into our concept of the world and ignore events that fly in the face of reality as we know it.

In some ways this serves us.  We need to trust that the world is a predictable place.  However failing to notice exceptions to the rule can get you in trouble.

Like most of us, you probably have clear ideas of how you behave.  For the most part, these generalities may hold true. But they can limit your ability to change.

The assumptions you have about your patterns of behavior can keep you stuck if you fail to notice exceptions to the rule.

Notice Past Exceptions to the Expected

When contemplating behavior change, your expectation for success will be vastly improved if you can point to times in the past when you actually practiced the desired behavior.

For example, it is not unusual for clients to declare something like, “I never finish anything!”  When we look carefully at their past, however, we identify many instances when they actually finished important projects.

Identifying instances that disprove your negative expectations instills hope, an essential ingredient in successful behavior change.  When you acknowledge past success, you recognize that you have what it takes to achieve success in the present.  This establishes indisputably that the desired change is possible which leads, in turn, to the expectation that you can – and will – succeed.

Expand your notion of what is true for you

People make sweeping generalizations about themselves which, while often true, provide a limited picture of who they are or what they can accomplish.  I commonly hear from clients such statements as “I can’t focus” or “I’m lazy.”  These descriptors are used to justify the notion that change is not possible. The truth is that we are all capable of virtually any human behavior.

The phrase I love best as an antidote to such sweeping generalizations is “…except when I do” or “…except when I’m not.”

So, “I can’t focus, except when I do” or “I’m lazy, except when I’m not.”

The next time you catch yourself making this kind of definitive statement about yourself, pay attention to how it feels. Then correct yourself, using one of the phrases above.  Notice how different you feel when you expand your notion of what is true for you!

Notice Small Successes in the Present

I am often surprised at the difficulty my clients have at recognizing their successes, when these behaviors differ from the expectations they have of themselves.  Yet noticing success is essential to achieving new and desired behavior.

Pay attention to what works.  Notice carefully the outcome when you act in new ways.  You will have essential information    to guide you in the countless choices you make throughout the day.  When you notice those things you do that help you achieve your goals you become an expert in the solutions, not in the problems!

Allowing yourself to be pleasantly surprised will not only make your day more pleasant, it will help you establish the changes that will make your good life better!

Jeannette Samanen, Ph.D.
Jeannette’s professional development began with graduate school at the University of Oregon.  Her first post-doctoral position was at the Boston University School of Medicine where, as an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry (Psychology), where she specialized in stress management and behavioral medicine.  Jeannette has had over 30 years of experience as a life coach and psychologist and derives great pleasure from helping clients transform their lives for the better.

For Healthy Life Balance Make Daily, Weekly and Yearly Self-Care a Top Priority

Monday, March 15th, 2010

Jennifer loves her job.  But when work demands threatened to wreck her marriage and her health she came to me for coaching.

Ambitious and hard working, she prided herself on arriving at work early, leaving late and working through lunch.   Her husband had enough when a get-away weekend had to be cancelled for the second time due to a last minute crisis at work. The stress of her job was taking a toll on her health, too.   Jennifer’s doctor suggested she go on blood pressure medication, which she wanted to avoid if possible.

People like Jennifer are high achievers.  They get things done.  When busy becomes busier, however, life balance can suffer.  As pressure builds up to accomplish ever more it becomes harder and harder to find time for self-care.  Something has to give or burnout will result.

Does this sound familiar to you?  If so, to avoid physical or relationship problems add some re-creation to your life on a daily, weekly and yearly basis.  Positive life balance provides stress management as few other things can.

To create appropriate life balance you need to give yourself small breaks a few times a day, create larger re-creation times each week, and make sure to take a vacation at least once a year to thoroughly recharge your life.

Here’s the paradox:  the more you need to create healthy life balance, the harder it is to do.  This means you have to make self-care a top priority.

Block out time in your schedule to make sure you give yourself re-creation breaks, as you would with any top priority activity.  Vigorously defend against threats to your self-care when they come up, as they inevitably will.  When you commit to regular self-care, you’ll feel better, your relationships will improve and you’ll work more productively.

1.  Take Several Breaks Daily.

If you ever observe a young child or a pet, you’ll notice that after periods of intense activity they always conk out for a rest.  We are all hardwired for this pattern of activity followed by rest.

Going from one activity to the next, to the next without a break creates stress. Unmitigated stress leads to physical, mental and emotional exhaustion.  When you’re intensively focused on achieving your goals, you may overlook the costs to yourself and your relationships of unrelenting work until irreparable harm has been done.  Achieving healthy live balance goes a long way toward helping you manage your stress.

The best way to do this is to intersperse brief periods of re-creation throughout your day.  Here are four ways to achieve this self-care, none of which needs to take more than 5 to 10 minutes:

2.  Get up from your desk and stretch.

Raise your hands high above your head and then bend over as if to touch your toes.  Do a couple of side-bends to each side.  Rotate your waist.  If you need privacy to do this, head to the handicapped stall in the rest-room

3.  Get up and walk.

It only takes a few minutes of walking to refresh yourself.  Try walking around the building or, better yet, go outside to walk and get some fresh air.  Creative inspiration often comes while you walk or you may discover solutions to the problems you face.

4.  Meditate.

If you already have a meditation practice, implement it briefly at intervals throughout the day. If meditation is new to you, simply sit quietly with your feet flat on the floor and your arms uncrossed.  Focus on your breathing.  When thoughts arise, as they inevitably will, just let them go and return your focus to your breathing.  It takes only a few minutes of meditation to feel calm and refreshed.

5. Share your day with your partner, your spouse or a friend.

When good things happen to you during the day, sharing them with someone close to you enhances your satisfaction.  When bad things occur, another’s concern and support make you feel better.  When you spend time in meaningful communication with your partner you strengthen the relationship and benefit yourself.

If you are not in a committed relationship, get together with friends regularly, whether in person, on the phone or through email.  You can enjoy the same benefits of concerned interaction when you share your life with people you care about who care about you.

6.  Treat Yourself to Enjoyable Activity at Least Weekly

Create a practice of regularly engaging in activities that nourish you:

7. Express your creativity.

Engage in such hobbies as quilting or playing a musical instrument.  Sign up for a painting or ceramics class.

8. Exercise regularly.

Regular physical activity – running or biking – helps keep you in shape while producing endorphins, those neurotransmitters which provide a natural high.  Engaging in team sports such as volleyball or softball adds the advantage of social interaction to the benefit of exercise as a stress management tool.

9. Treat yourself to cultural events.

Going to a movie, a concert or a special exhibit at a local museum or gallery provides an enjoyable break from your regular routine.

10. Socialize at least once a week.

This could be getting together with friends or establishing a weekly date-night with your spouse or partner.

11.  Take a Vacation at Least Yearly.

A Conference Board poll taken in 2006 indicated that 40% of Americans had no plans to take any summer vacation.  This was the worst showing in the poll’s 28 years.  Are you among those who choose no vacation?

Taking a vacation of at least a few days, preferably a week or more, enables you to unhook completely.  You can slide into a relaxed rhythm enabling you to thoroughly recharge.

Return to a vacation place that’s comfortably familiar, or go someplace new. Travel to somewhere exotic or simply stay home to complete tasks you’ve been meaning to get to or visit sites in your area you’ve wanted to explore.

The essential thing is to remove yourself entirely from your normal routine. Give yourself enough time to really experience the benefit of distance from your normal life.  You’ll return relaxed and refreshed, better able to handle your daily challenges.  You’ll gain perspective that will help you to deal with the problems you face in your daily life.  You’ll make your good life better.

Jennifer dramatically transformed her life by implementing several of these self-care suggestions.  The relaxation that came with taking brief breaks throughout the day brought down her blood pressure and actually helped her accomplish more at work.  She looked and felt better than she had in years once she joined the weekly yoga class she’d been thinking about. Most of all, Jennifer and her husband enjoy the boost in marital satisfaction their weekly date nights provide and their Hawaii vacation was the trip of a lifetime.

Jeannette Samanen, Ph.D.
Jeannette’s professional development began with graduate school at the University of Oregon.  Her first post-doctoral position was at the Boston University School of Medicine where, as an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry (Psychology), where she specialized in stress management and behavioral medicine.  Jeannette has had over 30 years of experience as a life coach and psychologist and derives great pleasure from helping clients transform their lives for the better.
Jeannette Samanen, Ph.D.
Jeannette’s professional development began with graduate school at the University of Oregon.  Her first post-doctoral position was at the Boston University School of Medicine where, as an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry (Psychology), where she specialized in stress management and behavioral medicine.  Jeannette has had over 30 years of experience as a life coach and psychologist and derives great pleasure from helping clients transform their lives for the better.

Replace Your Negative Self-talk with Positive Beliefs

Monday, March 8th, 2010

If you believe you can and if you believe you can’t, you’re right.
-Henry Ford

How you think influences the way you act and feel in major ways.  Negative beliefs about yourself hold you back more certainly than external forces can.  You actually have enormous control over what you think.  It’s a matter of turning old habits of negative thinking into new practices of positive beliefs.  Doing this will improve your confidence and empower you to achieve your goals.

Negative beliefs fall into two categories:  self-criticism and worry.

The Problem with Self-criticism:

It doesn’t matter whether self-criticism addresses the past or the present or self-doubt raises concerns about the future.   Negative thinking always undermines you.  Beating yourself up about regrets from the past distracts you from what you need to focus on in the present and brings you down.  Doubt in your abilities saps your energy and confidence and holds you back.  The expectation that you’ll fail inhibits you from attempting new things.  It’s hard to succeed if you are plagued by negative thinking.

It may seem that negative thinking serves a protective function.  Many of us were raised with the notion that criticism is necessary for success.  We believe that focusing on what we do wrong will prevent us from making the same mistakes again.  It can also feel like self-criticism protects us from attacks from others. If we catch what we do wrong first, we may be able to correct it before someone else notices.  If we criticize ourselves aloud, others will know we’re already aware that we’ve done something wrong and may refrain from blaming us.

Of course it’s important to learn from your mistakes and it may be appropriate to acknowledge them to others.  You just don’t need to beat yourself up.  It’s much more effective to calmly notice an error and then focus on what you need to do to correct the problem.

How to Change Your Negative Self-talk to Positive Beliefs:

I am often surprised at how unconscious my coaching clients are of their negative self-talk. The first step toward replacing your negative thinking with positive beliefs is to pay close attention to what is going on between your ears.  Monitor your thought content for critical self-statements like, “You idiot!” or “How could you DO that???”  Listen carefully to the words that come out of your mouth.

Notice when you are harsh on yourself and ask gently, “Is that appropriate?”  If your self-criticism habit is firmly entrenched you will probably reply with an emphatic “Yes!”  Then ask yourself how you feel when you treat yourself so meanly.  If you are honest with yourself, you will notice that you feel deflated or discouraged or some other unhappy feeling.

Now, gently correct that thought or statement.  Tell yourself, “Just because I did that, doesn’t mean I’m an idiot,” or “It would have been better if I had done that differently, but beating myself up isn’t going to help anything.”

At the beginning, you may need to watch out for beating yourself up for being mean to yourself:  “You idiot!  There you go again!  What’s WRONG with you? You’ll never learn to be kind to yourself!”  Use humor when old habits of negativity reassert themselves:  “Oops!  There you go again!” Or, you could even say something like, “Sweetheart, you do not deserve to treat yourself that way.  Life is too short for such cruelty!”

As you correct your negative thinking begin to replace it with positive beliefs.  If you do something you are unhappy with, ask yourself, “What can I do to fix this?” or “What is the learning here?”  Encourage yourself by affirming that you’ll do better next time.  Over time you will change the habit of negativity to the habit of positive, encouraging thinking.  As you do this, you will empower yourself to act free of the fear of self-castigation should things not turn out exactly as you would like them to.  You will also feel much more confident and self-accepting.  All of which, of course, will help you to achieve your goals and make your good life better.

Jeannette Samanen, Ph.D.
Jeannette’s professional development began with graduate school at the University of Oregon.  Her first post-doctoral position was at the Boston University School of Medicine where, as an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry (Psychology), where she specialized in stress management and behavioral medicine.  Jeannette has had over 30 years of experience as a life coach and psychologist and derives great pleasure from helping clients transform their lives for the better.

Improve Your Relationships: Transform Your Vicious Circles into Virtuous Circles

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

Vicious circles underlie most relationship problems.

•    Kimberly wanted Bob to help out more around the house, but his efforts rarely lived up to her standards.  Being told that the clothes weren’t folded right or the bathtub wasn’t clean enough discouraged Bob from attempting household chores. It bothered Bob that sex had become less frequent than it used to be. Kimberly’s growing resentment about needing to do more than her share of the housework reduced her interest in sex, making Bob even less inclined to help around the house.

•    Tim traveled a lot for work and got lonely on the road.  When he called home he wanted Marie to be as excited to hear from him as he felt to reconnect with her. After a long day at work and caring for their two kids, Marie often felt too tired to engage in long and passionate conversations.  Her lack of enthusiasm hurt and angered Tim and he came home grumpy.  His negativity made it harder for Marie to react positively when he came through the door, further intensifying Tim’s fears that his wife didn’t love him.  Marie truly loved Tim but she felt hopeless about getting him to believe her. It seemed that whatever she said or did would never be enough to satisfy him.  Her discouragement made her want to withdraw even more which made him feel more threatened, needy and demanding.

In a vicious circle each person’s behavior makes it less likely that they are going to get what they want, need and deserve from the other.  Both people participate in a downward spiral which, if left unchecked, can wreck a relationship.

How a Vicious Circle Works:

I get annoyed when you disappoint me and when I’m annoyed I don’t treat you kindly.  You’re put off by my negativity and become less inclined to be considerate toward me.  This is how vicious circles get started.
I try to make you change and behave the way I think you should, but you’re perfectly happy with your way of doing things.  The more I nag or yell, the more entrenched you become in your ways.  This is how vicious circles intensify.
When you do the same thing you get the same result.  Yelling louder or withdrawing further just creates greater alienation, intensifying the vicious circle.  The truth is that there is nothing anyone can do to make another person change, unless that person wants to change.
Here is the good news.  You can change your own behavior and by doing so you can turn the vicious circle into a virtuous circle.
How a Virtuous Circle Works:

The only person you have control over is yourself.  When you give the other person more of what they are asking for – even if it seems impossibly unfair to have to do so – you maximize the likelihood that they will want to change too.

Change begins slowly, with little things.  Go out of your way to provide small kindnesses, even if it feels forced or unnatural at first.  Make sure to notice and express appreciation for any positive changes in the other person’s behavior.

These positive interactions create good will in the relationship, initiating the virtuous circle.  As good will grows and loving interactions increase, it becomes easier and easier to do those caring things, further strengthening the positive momentum.

•    It bothered Kimberly to express appreciation when Bob helped out around the house.  After all, nobody thanked her when she did the dishes or made the bed.  However she recognized that her criticism of Bob’s efforts made it less likely that she would get the support she needed.  Once Kimberly lightened up and thanked Bob for his help, he began to contribute more to the housework.  He also started doing the thoughtful little things he’d done at the outset of their relationship, like calling her during the day, just to say ‘Hello’, or bringing home flowers.  As Kimberly felt more loved, she became less critical.  It was just a matter of time before the couple started expressing their growing affection in bed.

•    Tim began taking Marie’s behavior less personally, recognizing that her low energy on their calls came from exhaustion rather than a lack of caring. Because he no longer reacted angrily, she responded more affectionately when he returned home, reassuring him that he was loved.  As Tim became less demanding, Marie felt encouraged to say and do the little things that please him, confident that her efforts would be appreciated.

Think of the vicious circles in your own relationships.  Now think about what you can do differently to turn those vicious circles into virtuous circles. 

Think small.  It’s the little things that count.

Be persistent.  The other person may initially wonder what’s going on. They may doubt your motivation or feel unwilling to trust that your efforts will sustain over time.  If you consistently maintain the positive behaviors, eventually the other person will respond.  Your relationship will benefit and you’ll be making your good life better.

Jeannette Samanen, Ph.D.
Jeannette’s professional development began with graduate school at the University of Oregon.  Her first post-doctoral position was at the Boston University School of Medicine where, as an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry (Psychology), where she specialized in stress management and behavioral medicine.  Jeannette has had over 30 years of experience as a life coach and psychologist and derives great pleasure from helping clients transform their lives for the better.

Improve Your Relationships: Listen and Paraphrase

Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010

Virtually everyone who comes to me for relationship coaching puts improved communication at the top of their list of goals. Most think of communication training in terms of learning to express themselves more clearly.  The hope is that by learning to articulate their meaning precisely and eloquently, they will be understood.

Yet listening is actually the most important skill to develop for improved communication and paraphrasing is the best tool to insure accurate listening.

The Dangers of Misunderstanding:

I believe that at least 85% of the conflict in relationships comes from misunderstanding.  When you listen carefully, you avoid misunderstandings by actually hearing what the other person has said.  Sounds simple but, as you may well know, accurate listening can be challenging indeed.

Under the best of circumstances, we all have assumptions about what we have heard which may or may not be correct.  Beyond this, when there’s a disagreement both people are usually focused on their own position and what they want to say next to win the argument rather than on what the other person is saying. It is impossible to simultaneously think about your response and listen to the other person.

This leads not only to misunderstanding, but to resentment, as well. It becomes apparent to both parties that the other person isn’t making an effort to understand.  It is not uncommon for people to jump quickly to feelings of hurt. Sensing that the other person doesn’t care enough to bother to listen adds fuel to the argumentative fire.

Paraphrasing – The Simple, Effective Key to Improved Communication

Careful listening and checking with the other person to make sure you have understood what they have said can keep this destructive pattern from happening in the first place or stop it if it has already begun.

Paraphrasing is the best tool for this. Paraphrasing is simply repeating back in your own words what you heard the other person say.  Paraphrasing offers a number of benefits:

1.    Paraphrasing insures that you have heard correctly.  If your paraphrase is incorrect the other person can clarify, thereby eliminating misunderstanding.

2.    Paraphrasing slows down communication, minimizing the likelihood that arguments will escalate.

3.    Paraphrasing demonstrates to the other person that you are willing to listen carefully, creating good will and maximizing the probability that they will listen to you, as well.

With improved communication comes improved relationships, both personally and professionally, a most significant part of making your good life better!

Jeannette Samanen, Ph.D.
Jeannette’s professional development began with graduate school at the University of Oregon.  Her first post-doctoral position was at the Boston University School of Medicine where, as an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry (Psychology), where she specialized in stress management and behavioral medicine.  Jeannette has had over 30 years of experience as a life coach and psychologist and derives great pleasure from helping clients transform their lives for the better.

Appreciation – Experience It!

Tuesday, February 16th, 2010

Your experience of reality is largely determined by where you place your focus. If you spend most of your time paying attention to the problems in your life, you are more likely to feel anxious and troubled. Conversely, if you choose to focus on what is working in your life, or on the positive things in your surroundings, you will feel calmer and more optimistic.

It is not that your problems are not important and I am certainly not suggesting that you ignore them. However, there are many, many other aspects of your life that you can focus on.

Paying attention to your daily blessings may not change your problems, but it can transform your attitude towards life, making you better able to deal with the issues you face.

Research has shown that people who spend time appreciating their pleasurable experiences enjoy higher levels of happiness. You can replicate these experiments in your own life.

Put a pad beside your bed and right before you go to sleep write down five things that you appreciated during the day. These can be very simple things like the enjoying the successful accomplishment of a task or receiving an unexpected kindness from a co-worker. They can be sensual pleasures, such as a beautiful sunset, or the intense chocolate flavor of the ice cream you ate at lunch. Life truly is made of little things.

Practice doing this for two weeks. On the first night, record your level of happiness on a scale from 1 to 10. Then repeat this rating fourteen days later. If you are like most people, you will notice that your overall level of happiness has improved. This may lead you to continue the practice of noting the things you appreciate!

It’s a powerful way to make your good life better.

Improve Your Relationships: “Watch Your Buts”

Thursday, January 14th, 2010

‘But’ is a small word, but it is very powerful.

The power of ‘but’ is amply demonstrated in the sentence you just read.  The message you come away with is, “‘But’ is powerful”.  ‘But’s’ small size is negated by the fact of its power.

The word ‘but’ dismisses whatever comes before it.    ‘But’ lets you know that what you need to pay attention to, what is true and what really counts is what follows.

‘But’s’ a Fightin’ Word:

Though it may be subtle, in conversation ‘but’ becomes a form of disagreement.  Since ‘but’ signals that whatever came before it doesn’t really matter, when you begin your sentences with ‘but’, you are implying that whatever the other person just said is less important or less true than what you are about to say.

This is important in relationships because the more you ‘but’ the people in your life, the less they will feel respected.  Like any implication of right vs. wrong, ‘but’ creates an adversarial mood.  It creates the impression that people are more interested in making their point than they are in listening and understanding the other’s perspective.

People resent being dismissed.  They become less inclined to consider your point of view when they feel that you are disregarding their position.

You Probably Don’t Notice Your ‘Buts’:

When your discussions become adversarial and you can’t figure out how that happened, chances are there’s ‘butting’ going on. ‘Butting’ is such a habit, most people aren’t even aware that they’re doing it.

Tune in to the times when people begin their sentences with ‘but,’ or ‘but’s’ twin sister, ‘yes, but’.   Pay attention.  Chances are you’ll feel somewhat disregarded or rebuffed, even offended.

Then recognize when you ‘Yes, but’ and notice how others respond.  The tone of the interaction will probably become a little more strained. Voices may rise in tone or volume.  Antagonism may grow with each exchange.

Replace Your ‘Buts’ With Acknowledgment:

As you sensitize yourself to this behavior, you will be more aware when it’s happening.  Then you can replace your ‘but’s’ with some form of acknowledgement before making your point.  You don’t have to agree with what the other person is saying, but if you validate their position before responding, they will feel more affirmed and will be more likely to consider your point of view.  Things will stay calmer.

Validation means letting the other person know you understand their perspective.  You may endorse some part of what they are saying, or you can let them know you recognize how they see things, even if you disagree.

The more others feel listened to and respected by you, the more inclined they will be to offer you respect in return. The more conscious you are of your ‘buts’, the more you replace them with validation of the other person’s position, even if you disagree, the more your discussions will remain constructive and cooperative.  This will improve your relationships, which will make your good life better.

Jeannette Samanen, Ph.D.
Jeannette’s professional development began with graduate school at the University of Oregon.  Her first post-doctoral position was at the Boston University School of Medicine where, as an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry (Psychology), where she specialized in stress management and behavioral medicine.  Jeannette has had over 30 years of experience as a life coach and psychologist and derives great pleasure from helping clients transform their lives for the better.