I sometimes begin my coaching sessions with the question, “What is different and better since the last time we met?”

At the outset of our work together, most of my clients declare that there isn’t anything different and better in their lives since our last meeting. Even under pressure from me – “Come on, there must be something!” – they insist that nothing has changed for the better. Then, 17 or 26 minutes or even 49 minutes into the session they mention some small thing they did differently – remaining calm in a difficult situation, or handling a challenge more effectively, or treating themselves or others more kindly . They simply hadn’t noticed it.

We all tend to focus on what isn’t working in our lives. We tend to take what’s going well for granted. After all, it doesn’t need our attention if it’s working fine, so we don’t give it much thought.

It is truly empowering to expand your focus beyond the problems to the small things you do that tend to make things better in your life.

When You Focus on the Solution, You Become Expert in What Works:

When you focus on the problems, you become an expert on your ineffectiveness and unhappiness. Focus on what isn’t working creates discouragement and undermines your confidence and self-esteem. Paying attention to what isn’t working leaves you clueless about what you could be doing differently to transform your situation for the better.

When you switch your focus to your small successes, you become an expert on the choices you make that can improve your life. You are looking here for tiny changes and then noticing the effect these positive choices create.

Think Small:

I suspect that one reason my clients initially have difficulty responding to my ‘different and better’ question is that they are looking for massive change, which rarely occurs. When big changes do happen they’re hard to maintain. Sudden major transformation just doesn’t sustain. It’s too great a departure from the norm, which can feel strange or even scary.

True lasting change occurs in tiny increments practiced over time until they become new habits. Slightly larger successes build on previous wins. Gradually, winning habits of thought and behavior get established and become the new norm.

Life is made of little things. You make thousands of choices throughout the day – choices about how you act or react, choices about how you think or view the circumstances of your life. Most of us are not aware of the choices we make. We just act.

How To Become an Expert on the Solutions:

First identify problem areas in your life that you’d like to change:

• It drives you crazy when your spouse does those same things you’ve been complaining about for years.
• You’d like to shed a few pounds.
• Sometimes you’re late paying your bills because they get lost in those mountains of mail on your dining room table.

The first step toward becoming an expert on the solutions is becoming curious about alternative choices you may never have considered before. Consider what you might do differently to impact on these situations.

You empower yourself when you begin to consider what you could do differently to achieve better outcome:

• You could react more calmly when your spouse does the things that annoy you.
• When you notice yourself going for that midnight snack, you could remind yourself of your weight loss goals and drink a glass of water instead.
• You could sort through the mail right away, throwing away the junk mail and putting your bills in a special place.
The next step is to begin the experiment of putting your alternative choices into practice. On the basis of these experiments you’ll learn what works by noticing the outcome of your new choices, compared with the way things used to be:
• You realize that your day doesn’t need to be ruined just because your spouse did something you don’t like. You might even notice that your spouse becomes friendlier in response to your greater calm, and begins to act more according to your preferences.
• You notice how proud you feel the next morning for making a healthy choice. Over time your weight loss shows you how damaging those late night cookies really were.
• You recognize how much better you feel, secure that you’re not missing a bill and free of mail clutter.

Lasting transformation occurs through the aggregate of these small actions repeated over time. By focusing on the solutions – choices you can make to improve the situation – rather than getting stuck on what isn’t working in your life, you bring about lasting positive change.
By the third or fourth session, my clients become expert at answering the ‘different and better’ question. Then I know that they have shifted their focus from what isn’t working in their lives to what they can do to transform their situation for the better. You, too, can make that transition. When you do, you will achieve your goals and make your good life better.

Jeannette Samanen, Ph.D.
Jeannette’s professional development began with graduate school at the University of Oregon.  Her first post-doctoral position was at the Boston University School of Medicine where, as an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry (Psychology), where she specialized in stress management and behavioral medicine.  Jeannette has had over 30 years of experience as a life coach and psychologist and derives great pleasure from helping clients transform their lives for the better.