I grew up in a family with a rage-aholic father.  From him I learned that it’s normal to get upset and to rant and rave when something bothers you.

I became quite good at it myself, loudly expressing my displeasure at the smallest annoyance, ignoring the costs of this behavior to myself and others.  I couldn’t understand why I had so much trouble keeping friends.

I didn’t spare myself, either.  When upset with something I’d done, I’d beat myself up, only slightly less kindly than I did others.

I had the good fortune to marry a calmer man from whom I have learned the blessing of acceptance.  I can tell you from personal experience how much happier life is when you take things in stride.

The Costs of Getting Upset:

Getting upset impacts you physically.  Your muscles tense, your blood pressure rises, your stomach knots up. Becoming emotionally distraught is simply less comfortable than remaining calm and peaceful.

When you are upset you are affected mentally, as well.  You become less able to deal rationally and appropriately with the situation at hand.  You become less effective when you lose your temper.

Your angry rage impacts negatively on your relationships.  Friends and family may not say anything for fear of setting you off, but they are likely to resent your behavior.  Your upset creates fear, anger or embarrassment in the people you care about.  They may avoid you or try to get even in subtle ways.

I remember how embarrassed I used to feel after venting my rage.  Once the anger subsided, I often found it difficult to comprehend how I’d gotten so bent out of shape.  I felt sheepish about how I had acted and foolish about needing to apologize.

Many people inflict their rage, not on others, but on themselves.  It’s important to recognize and learn from your mistakes.  Overreacting to those errors, though, will only make you miserable and undermine your self-confidence.

Anger itself is not the problem.  Anger is a useful emotion signaling that something’s not right.  It’s the overreaction when you’re angry or annoyed that creates problems in your life.

You Can Change How You Act and Even How You Feel:

Awareness of the problems created by overreacting to the annoyances of life is the first step toward change.  Once you commit to making this change, it is entirely within your power to transform your reactions – both how you act and how you feel.

As you become more accepting of yourself, other people and the inevitable disappointments of life in general, you will become less upset and more able to appropriately handle annoyances when they arise.  What a relief!

How to Transform Upset into Calm:

Here are the steps you can use to transform upset into calm:

1.    Notice when you start getting upset about something.

Just having a part of yourself that is observing your enraged response, rather than fully participating in it creates a detachment you can work with.

2.    Ask yourself, “Is what just happened worth getting upset about?”

If you are like most people accustomed to becoming upset when annoyed, your immediate response will be a resounding and heart-felt “Yes!!”

If you take a closer look and are truly honest with yourself, chances are you’ll be able to acknowledge that it’s not that big a deal.  What’s more, though you might wish the situation were different, your getting upset isn’t going to improve anything.  It will only make matters worse.

3.    Notice how you feel as you let upset overtake you.

Pay careful attention to the impact of your upset on your body and your mind. Notice any tightness in your muscles or clenching in your gut.  Be aware of the unpleasant thoughts and feelings aroused by your outrage. If your criticism is directed at yourself, notice how undermining those attacks on yourself truly are.

4.      Ask yourself, “How would I be, if I weren’t reacting this way?”

If you are honest with yourself, you will note that you would be calmer and more peaceful, more comfortable and better able to deal with the situation if you were free of your upset.  From this perspective, you can see that your own upset is as much of a problem as whatever provoked your response.

Really allow yourself to imagine fully how it would feel to remain calm.  Invite the thoughts that would support a calm response, such as “This really isn’t all that important” or “Maybe s/he didn’t do that to hurt me.”  Visualize yourself responding appropriately when frustrated, disappointed or angry.

5.    Practice the calm you have visualized.

As you begin to visualize alternatives to overreacting, you become aware of the choices available to you.  When you feel your upset beginning to arise, take a deep breath and consider your options.  Ask yourself, “Would I rather be upset or calm in this situation?”

Gradually, as you practice new patterns of thought and behavior, you will replace the habit of upset with the habit of calm.

The Power of Calm:

Calm is enormously empowering.  When you react calmly you can rationally assess how to best handle the situation:

•    You can identify those circumstances you cannot change and come to better accept them.
•    You can act more effectively in those situations that you can change.
•    You can learn from your mistakes and move on.

In this way you become less adversely affected by the challenges in your life, a sure way to make your good life better!

Refer to Byron Katie:

You cannot change those around you and you cannot change external circumstances.  What you can change is yourself.

When you find the behavior of those around you unacceptable, you will be much more effective at influencing them if you approach them calmly.  They are more likely to listen and consider your perspective when you present it rationally, rather than angrily insisting that they comply with your demands.

Jeannette Samanen, Ph.D.
Jeannette’s professional development began with graduate school at the University of Oregon.  Her first post-doctoral position was at the Boston University School of Medicine where, as an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry (Psychology), where she specialized in stress management and behavioral medicine.  Jeannette has had over 30 years of experience as a life coach and psychologist and derives great pleasure from helping clients transform their lives for the better.

When you are looking for a quick yes or no answer and are uncertain which way to go, muscle testing offers easy access to your inner wisdom. By identifying your inner truth you gain the clarity to guide your decision.  You can trust the decisions you make when they are based on your own inner truth.

Muscle testing works on the principle that your muscles respond to the energy in your body.

When something is true or right for you, your muscles remain strong. This is a yes.
When something is not right for you, your muscles give way. This is a no.

How do you muscle test?

You muscle test by exerting gentle pressure on a muscle.  If the muscle resists, the answer is yes.  If it gives way, the answer is no.  It’s as simple as that.

Another person can help you muscle test by pressing down on your outstretched arm.  If your arm holds firm, you are getting a “yes” signal.  When the arm releases, a “no” is indicated.

You can muscle test yourself using your hands. Make a circle by touching the tips of the thumb and pinkie of your left hand together.  Then slip the thumb and index fingers of your right hand up through the circle from below.  Open up the fingers of your right hand to press gently but firmly on the circle.  If the circle holds, the answer is “yes”.  If the circle breaks, the answer is “no.”

Avoid rigidly resisting, as that can provide a false positive.  Instead, allow a suppleness that is responsive to the message coming to you from within.

To get a feel for a yes and a no, simply state something that you know to be true of yourself and muscle test it.  Then state something you know to be false for yourself and muscle test that statement.

Let’s say that you are a married man named John, living in Chicago.  You can say “I’m a man,” and then muscle test.  You’ll be able to feel what a firm “yes” response feels like.  Then say “I am a woman.”  You’ll notice the difference when the circle of your fingers breaks open under the pressure you are exerting.  Try again with “My name is John,” and “My name is Mildred,” or “I live in Chicago,” then, “I live in Tahiti,” or “I’m married,” then “I’m single.”  As you practice with a series of statements such as these, you will become more tuned in to how “yes” feels and how you experience “no”.

Once familiar with this technique, you can use it to replace uncertainty with clarity in any yes/no decision you need to make .

When I was working on controlling my weight, I would enter a bakery, an old habit of mine.  Instead of immediately buying myself a treat, as I was accustomed to doing, I’d stand there and silently ask myself, “Should I get that yummy cruller?” Then I would muscle test.  When I came up with a “no”, I’d ask about the brownie.  “No” again.  Thinking that the bran muffin might be somewhat more virtuous, I’d muscle test about a bran muffin, only to receive “no” one last time. Ultimately, I’d walk out without buying anything. I knew that choosing to be guided by my inner wisdom was the best option.  In this way I was able to resist temptation and, ultimately, achieve my weight-loss goals.

This technique will provide clarity about what is right for you in any yes/no decision you are facing.  Consistently align your decisions with your inner wisdom and you will certainly make your good life better.

Jeannette Samanen, Ph.D.
Jeannette’s professional development began with graduate school at the University of Oregon.  Her first post-doctoral position was at the Boston University School of Medicine where, as an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry (Psychology), where she specialized in stress management and behavioral medicine.  Jeannette has had over 30 years of experience as a life coach and psychologist and derives great pleasure from helping clients transform their lives for the better.